I've been meaning to write a post about my journey through infertility for some time. I never do a "rough draft" per se when I blog, but I had to this time to get the order of events down correctly. Afterall, this journey began 10 years ago & my memory isn't the best. (Mike filled in the gaps for me because although he has 17 years on me, his memory is far superior.)This was a very cathartic post for me to write. Thanks for reading it.
After 1 year of marriage (at age 29), Mike & I decided it was time to have a baby. Like most couples, we proceeded the "old-fashioned" way. Nothing happened. Well, I mean to say we didn't get pregnant. "Trying" went on for a couple of years; I peed on a lot of ovulation predictor sticks and took home pregnancy tests during that time. We were very frustrated. Sex had become about making a baby, not about intimacy or enjoyment. Finally we realized there was a problem & thought the issue might be with Mike because he'd had so many surgeries, and his age(46-47 at the time), and years of smoking etc. So after consulting with our family doctor, we were referred to a uroligist specializing in male issues who in turn referred us to Advanced Reproductive Specialists at the University of CO Hospital-Anshutz Pavilion.
We met with our new doctor, Dr. Deborah Smith, & our nurse, Lucinda White, in the spring of 2002. We had our initial consultation and then went through tests-lots of tests. My bloodwork came back fine. What were they looking for? A good FSH(follicle-stimulating hormone)level. This told them that my eggs were still healthy. Here's a little biology refresher in case you don't already know: girl babies are born with all the eggs they will ever have. (Unlike men who are always making new "swimmers".) When we start our menses, one of those eggs is released each month and so forth. So as women get older their eggs get older; this is why we have terms like "advanced maternal age". It's why there are more risks for birth defects as a woman ages etc. A lot of women have no problem getting pregnant well into their upper 30's and 40's; it's not the norm though. O.K. at this point I was 31 or 32 & my eggs were still healthy. I also had ultrasounds and sonograms to make sure my uterus & ovaries were healthy. I was told, "You have a beautiful uterus!" I put that on my Christmas cards that year-nah, not really!
At the same time, Mike was also asked to submit a "sample". We're all big kids so you know what that means. What you don't know is how humiliating that was for my extremely private husband. He did his duty, though, and as suspected there were issues with his swimmers. Here's another little biology 101 for ya: they look for 3 things when they examine sperm: quantity, quality, and speediness. Well Mike had enough swimmers, but they were slow and most of them didn't look too good. A double whammy!!
Dr. Smith recommended that we try insemination with Clomid and ovulation monitoring. Clomid is a nasty little pill that I took to insure ovulation would occur in a controlled manner. I had a horrible experience on Clomid. My daily side effects from the drug were: PMS symptoms x 100(even my nurse described it that way), severe headaches, hot flashes, & nausea. Good times. Then I'd use a home ovulation indicator test to insure that I was ovulating, we'd go to the doctor's office & I would be inseminated. This went on for 3 cycles/3 months. I didn't get pregnant, but the emotional up & down infertility roller coaster was in full swing. Meaning every month I would get my hopes up thinking surely this will work, only to be let down when it didn't. It was that way when we were "trying" on our own too; but this was different because doctors and tests and pills were involved. We thought for sure it would work.
Dr. Smith was adament that our only real chance to get pregnant was to go through IVF, in-vitro fertilization. We were educated on the whole process and agreed to try. We were desperate by this time. There is so much involved with IVF, I'm not sure I can accurately describe the whole process. First up you have to pay. Really, they expect the money up front and will refund later if things don't go well. Mike's calculation for our first IVF, including more tests and drugs, is higher than mine so I'll split the difference and call it $16,000. Next, we met with our nurse so Mike could learn how to give me shots. I would have shots in my belly(2-3/day) and shots in my hips(1x/day). He practiced on an orange. Seriously. I admired his confidence and willingness to give me the shots. I found a whole new respect for nurses. Then we ordered our medication from a pharmacy in Mass.-interestingly enough, you can't just go to your local Walgreens and procure the necessary drugs: Lupron, Follistim, and Progestern in Oil. (the meds alone were $3000)
I'm going to skip through the whole shot-giving time period and explain what the shots were for. Lupron was used to suppress my own body's ovulation schedule so the doctors could control it; Follistim was used to stimulate my ovaries to produce as many eggs as possible; and PIO was used to prepare my uterus & support pregnancy should it occur. During this time I was constantly monitored via vaginal ultrasounds(more good times) to watch my ovaries, and to count the number & size of the eggs that were developing. When it was determined that I had enough eggs of the right size, I was scheduled for egg retrieval; a surgical procedure where my doctor literally retrieved the eggs from my ovaries by inserting a suction-like needle thru my vagina & into my ovaries. It's more technical than that, but you get the general idea. I woke up in a lot of pain, but the whole procedure itself was very short. The eggs were then given to our Embryoligist, Dr. Dawn Kelk. Normally with IVF the eggs are then placed in petri dishes where the sperm are added and then the doctor watches for fertilization to occur. In our case, it was recommended that we go through a special procedure called ICSI(intracytoplasmic sperm injection)-the doctor actually injected a single sperm(a good looking one) into each egg instead of waiting for them to fertilize on their own. At retrieval we had over 20 eggs. Using ICSI, 11 eggs fertilized. We were set for a day-3 transfer, meaning the embryoligist would watch the embryos change and divide and on the 3rd day the best ones would be transferred back directly into my uterus. It was recommended to us that we transfer 4embryos. Sounded like a lot to us too. I immediately had visions of triplets and quads. Truthfully, the doctors are very careful when deciding how many embryos to transfer. They take so many factors into consideration and of course the goal is pregnancy. But any pregnancy more than twins is actually considered an "oops" on their part, not a success, due the increased risks to the mother and the babies. So we had to trust them, that was the bottom line. (BTW-the remaining 4 embryos that survived were frozen for a future cycle).
On day 3, four A-quality embryos were selected for transfer(yes, they actually grade them). The transfer is done in a very sterile hospital operating-type room. Mike was fully dressed head-to-toe in scrubs. The embryos are "loaded" into a catheter which our doctor inserted thru my vagina to the uterus. While watching on a computer monitor, Dr. Smith was able to determine when she'd located the exact right place in my uterus and then she released the embryos. We were able to watch the whole procedure too and saw the embryos released as well-it was absolutely amazing. We were also given a picture of our embryos. Then I was told to go home and rest for the remainder of that day, adhere to certain restrictions, and return in 2 weeks for a blood-drawn pregnancy test.
All I can say is I were convinced it would work. A no-brainer. Seriously, my biggest worry was that I'd end up with quads. Secretly, I was hoping for twins. It never occurred to me that it wouldn't work, even though the doctor's were very candid with the so-called statistical success rates (for us a 25-30% chance); I knew I'd be pregnant.
The night before my scheduled pregnancy test, I started having menstrual-like cramps. I knew then that I wasn't pregnant. I just knew. I couldn't stop crying-I was so devastated, there is no other way to describe it. I didn't even want to take the damn pregnancy test at the dr.'s office. But I went in anyway, crying, and let the nurse draw my empty blood. I went home and waited for the phone call I knew was coming. It did. More devastation. I felt like a complete failure. Women had been having babies for thousands of years, why couldn't I? What more could I do? In 2 weeks, we went in for a "why didn't it work" consultation with Dr. Smith. It was one of the hardest days of my life. I couldn't stop crying and I felt so bad because she was so affected by me that she was crying too. She strongly encouraged us to go through another IVF cycle, this time with the frozen embryos that we had saved. She was so reassuring, talking about how high their success rates were with frozen embryos.
We decided to try, of course. What else could we do? I didn't want to give up, I wanted a baby more than I'd ever wanted anything in my life. My whole life I had wanted to be a mommy; I secretly played with dolls until I was 13. Motherhood felt like my destiny, my true calling; if I couldn't be a mother I felt like a completely useless human being.
A frozen IVF cycle isn't nearly as invasive or expensive(about $3500)as a regular IVF cycle because the embryos are already made. I had to wear estrogen patches on my belly to help thicken up my uterine lining and do the PIO shots again. The transfer procedure is the same, and everything went fine; all 4 embryos survived the thawing process and were transferred. Another LONG 2-week wait. I was told not to take a home pregnancy test because it would be too early & I could get a false negative result. I did anyway. I wanted to be like everyone else who didn't have to go thru what I did to get pregnant. Who just casually thought, "hey I'm a little late this month, maybe I'm pregnant". I wanted to pee on a stick and this time see a pink line. And this time I did-it was a faint pink line, but it was there!! I was absolutely overjoyed-I couldn't believe my eyes! After all those years of "trying", I finally had a pink line too!
I went in for the blood draw, and that afternoon Lucinda called me with the results. Yes, I was pregnant, but it didn't look good. My HCG #(pregnancy hormone level) was really low. She said they'd retest in 2 days and if the HCG # went up, then things might be o.k., but if the # went down, then I'd miscarry-commonly called a "chemical pregnancy". I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I went in 2 days later, and sure enough my HCG level had dropped. I would miscarry. Mike was home when I got that phone call & he just started sobbing(the first and only time in our marriage). To see my big strong tough husband weep was almost my undoing. To make matters worse, the day we found out I'd miscarry was actually our anniversary(our 4th, I think). Mike had brought me flowers to celebrate our anniversary and the pregnancy. Even now as I write this, what 6-7 years later, I have tears in my eyes. Some pain is so raw that you don't ever fully get over it.
The miscarriage, although early at 5 weeks, was absolutely devastating to me. I kept thinking a baby had started to grow in my womb, but then it stopped. Why? I bled so much that I actually soaked through the pads and my clothing. I remember thinking to myself, how much more can I stand? I was so furious and hurt and disappointed. I was angry with GOD and that's a very lonely place to be.
We decided to take a break. I think Mike was very worried that I couldn't take much more. Let me be clear, I have never been a weak person. I have been thru some very hard stuff in my life, things that might break other people; but nothing had ever been as hard as surviving the disapointments of trying to have a child. I wasn't used to failure. I wasn't used to having so little control. I was so sad, and so consumed with getting pregnant. Deep inside, I knew I needed a break from the disappointment too. And Mike, he was a part of this too, he needed a break as well. And to be honest, another IVF cycle would mean another $16,000 grand or so and we'd need some time to save more money. There are no payment plans with IVF, you pay cash or you charge it. Mike is not a charger. I remember one time I was sitting in the waiting area and a lady was paying for her IVF cycle. She gave the receptionist 4 different credit cards to split the cost up. I remember thinking, GOD bless her. I too would have done anything to get the money for IVF, including selling our house & living in an apartment.
So we were taking a break. Being the control-freak I am, I decided to do something I could control. I joined Weight Watchers and Curves. I dieted and worked out faithfully for 6 months and lost 30+ pounds. I also worked on my relationship with GOD which had suffered through my failed attempts to get pregnant too. I learned how to pray again. You see, GOD isn't much of a bargainer. No matter how faith-full you are, HE doesn't show preferential treatment-he loves all of us completely equally. I learned to stop asking HIM for what I wanted; and learned to pray for grace, so I could accept what I got. I learned a lot about myself. I learned humility.
In September of 2003, we were ready to go through our 3rd IVF cycle(I was 33 & Mike was 50). Because almost a year had passed, I had to have all my bloodwork redone. Unfortunately this time my FSH level came back high. I was declared to be of "advanced maternal age". I couldn't believe it-how could it have changed so much in a year? I asked them to re-do the test. They did & I was still "old". My eggs were probably hard and brittle. I was told it meant that it would be just that much harder for me to get pregnant, as if it wasn't hard enough before. I seriously felt like I was walking around with a bulls-eye target taped to my back. Why me? I had lost 30 lbs.-didn't that count for something? Apparently not. Losing the weight would not help me get pregnant, it would only make a pregnancy easier IF I could get pregnant. However, since I was 33, my doctor still felt we should proceed with the IVF, only this time they would plan to transfer 6 embryos. And they we're going to add another procedure called "Assisted Hatching" to my protocol. The embryoligist was actually going to make a tiny incision into the outer layer of the eggs that were retrieved to further aid fertilization. So, we proceeded with the IVF protocol like before: the shots, the ultrasound monitoring, etc. The only difference this time was I hyperstimulated on the fertility drugs. I was absolutely miserable. My ovaries were so swollen with eggs that you could actually feel my ovaries by touching my belly. I was in excrutiating pain because all the fluid I was taking in was pooling and collecting on top of my uterus, and nothing was being eliminated actually causing dehydration. I was also so constipated that my bowels became impacted(a rectal exam confirmed that-let the good times roll). I was hospitalized to treat the dehydration and in order to resolve the impacted bowel issue, I had to give myself an anal suppository at home-I will spare you the details of that horrible ordeal). The only way to resolve the hyperstimulated ovary issue was to go thru the egg retrieval. I woke up from the procedure bawling. I can't remember another time I've felt pain like that(contractions w/pitocin was close). We had 28 eggs. 13 of them fertilized using ICSI & Assisted Hatching. Again, the embryoligist would watch them for 3 days and the plan was still to transfer 6 embryos. On the morning of the transfer, the embryos looked so good that the embryoligist called me at home and said she wasn't comfortable transferring 6. We'd do 4 again. Fine. We went thru the IVF transfer, got another great snapshot of our 4 little embies, as we called them, and went home for another 2 week wait.
I was absolutely positive that I wouldn't be pregnant. I had been through so much with this IVF cycle, so much pain, I just knew it wouldn't work. I didn't even take a home pregnancy test this time. What was the point? And I couldn't bare seeing another blank pee stick. A few days before my 34th birthday, the phone call came in from Lucinda. I wouldn't even answer the phone. When Mike picked up, I could hear Lucinda yelling into the phone, "Shelly's pregnant! It worked!" Mike just started crying. I asked for the phone and wanted to go over the numbers. I had to make sure I had high enough numbers because the thought of miscarrying again terrified me. Everything looked really good. I went in 2 days later for another blood draw and my numbers had more than doubled. I was really pregnant. I went in for one more blood draw and the numbers were exactly where they should be. At 6 weeks, we went in for an ultrasound and we saw a teeny tiny little heartbeat, a fluttering, a flicker really. I was going to be a mommy. Finally.
On July 29, 2004 I gave birth to our miracle baby, Katelyn Faith: 7 pounds 4ounces and 20 1/4 inches long. Why Faith for a middle name? Because it took a lot of faith to get her. Why "miracle" baby? Because all babies are miracles. You see I believe that all babies are heaven-sent, including the ones conceived using IVF. How else can you explain why I have 1 child instead of 19? Over the course of 5 IVF cycles, 19 embryos have been placed in my body. Yet only one of them became my precious child. I believe that GOD sent Katelyn to us. I believe that she is the answer to all of our prayers; and that GOD has intrusted the most precious gift he has to give with us.
Do I love my child more than you love yours because of everything I had to go through to conceive her? Of course not. Do I appreciate her conception more than someone who wasn't trying or didn't even want to be pregnant? Maybe.
From our 3rd IVF cycle, we were able to freeze 8 remaining embryos for future tries. When Katelyn was 2, we decided to try again. Unfortunately I discovered that we didn't have maternity coverage on our new insurance. That meant we'd have to add it and wait another 9 months(ins. company policy). So just after Katelyn turned 3 we decided (or shall I say I decided)it was time to try again. Even though I had one precious child, the truth is I wanted another one or two or three. I have always wanted a big family. If I could have gotten pregnant "the old-fashioned way" I don't know if I could have ever stopped having babies. I certainly never intended for Katelyn to be an only child. So we went thru the 4th IVF cycle and I didn't become pregnant. I was sad, but it was different this time. First of all, I had my daughter. Everything changed for me when Katelyn was born. She completed me, made me whole. Any more children I might be blessed with would be like sweet little bonuses; not that I would be any less grateful. Furthermore, I still had 4 remaining frozen embryos and I was sure I would get pregnant with one of them on the next try.
So another year went by, and it was time to go through our last IVF-#5. Katelyn had just turned 4. This time I felt more pressure because this was going to be it-our last attempt. My desire to have another baby had also grown. Katelyn was older and more independent and I really wanted another baby to hold and cuddle. Another sweet child to nuture and love. And more than ever, I was worried about Katelyn being an only child. I really wanted her to have a brother or sister. I even went through acupuncture because there's a lot of research suggesting it helps with IVF. The transfer took place on Halloween of '08, I was about to turn 39. One of the embryos didn't survive the thawing process, so 3 were transferred. The transfer went really well. My body felt pregnant, I was sure that I was. I decided to take a home pregnacy test the morning of my blood draw, my last chance to pee on a stick. It was negative. I thought maybe I just got a false negative so I peed on another stick(they come 2 to a box afterall). Still negative. I went into the blood draw and the nurse said, "So, what do ya think?" I just started to cry. She didn't say anything after that, just nodded with understanding. I wasn't pregnant. I was really disappointed and really sad; still not the same devastation as before I had Katelyn. I always remind myself of the miracle GOD did give me. And I remember to thank HIM EVERY day.
I've had a very hard time dealing with the fact that this journey I've been on for 10years is over. I will not have any more children. I feel like I've let Katelyn down. Truthfully it's been very hard, but I pray for peace every day. I finally made myself give all of Katelyn's baby things away. I went through all of her baby clothes that I'd been saving for the other little girl I was supposed to have. (A little boy would have been perfect too.) I have resigned myself to the fact that I won't have any more children. Have I accepted it? Any day now.
