My heart on my sleeve

After 5 years of trying to have a baby, Mike and I were blessed with our baby girl on July 29, 2004. We were absolutely overjoyed. Nothing before or since can or ever will equal the joy that little baby has brought into our lives. What I wasn't prepared for was the fear that comes with parenthood. Coming down from the pregnancy hormones, I remember crying to Anna and telling her how scared I was that something would happen to Katelyn. In particular, I was consumed with worry over SIDS. I have never forgotten what Anna told me: "you are never going to be "safe" again, and for the rest of your life you will wear your heart on your sleeve." Meaning my heart is now raw and vulnerable and whatever happens in the course of Katelyn's life, will affect me and have the potential to shatter my heart. As a mother of her own grown son, she knew what she was talking about.

Of course I eventually stopped worrying about SIDS after Katelyn turned 1, but there was always something else. When she got mobile, we put up gates and stuck plastic things in outlets, we put poisons in a locked cabinet, we were constantly surveying, looking for potential dangers. When Katelyn turned 4, we were finally able to talk to her about the danger of poisons, or to take care on the stairs(& I still hold my breath every time she runs up and down them). I make sure she looks both ways when she crosses the street, I tell her not to talk to strangers & have to explain what a stranger is, I make her wear her bike helmet, I research car seats to try and find the safest one. It's constant. I'm always reminding her of something related to her safety. It can be exhausting. But I do it in an effort to prevent the unthinkable. Because when you become a parent you not only get the purest joy, you get unparalled fear. Fear that something bad could happen to your precious child.

And it' not just the fear of something bad happening either. When Katelyn hurts, I hurt. If another child hurts her feelings, my feelings are hurt too. I'll ask her who she played with at school, and she'll say a few names and then she'll say,"but not "Billy" because he doesn't like me". And I'm like WHAT, the little creep, how can he not like my little girl, she's perfect after all. Of course I tell her to just stay away from him, that it's his loss. But I can still see the hurt in her eyes & it breaks my heart. Right, there's my heart on my sleeve again. Raw. And what's worse is knowing that she'll be facing that kind of sadness for a long time to come, especially in upper elem. and middle school. Teenage girls can be so cruel to each other. And she's only 4, there are so many rights of passage yet to come.

Life is so uncertain. Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball, so I could see that she'll be happy, that she'll marry a really nice guy, that she'll have lots of babies if she wants to, that HER dreams will come true. But, I don't have a crystal ball, so that's where I think my faith gives me some peace of mind. I put my trust in GOD and I pray that, with HIS guidance, I prepare Katelyn well enough for the challenges that lie ahead. I feel so incredibly blessed that GOD chose to give me such a precious gift. And I accept that along with the joys of parenthood comes the fear, and that for the rest of my life I will wear my heart on my sleeve.

I love you Katelyn. You ARE my heart.

"Snow Day's Great..."

Sung to Frere Jacques: "Snow day's great, snow day's great, I love snow, I love snow"...not bad for a four-year-old, huh! Katelyn made this song up this morning when we discovered that she would have her first ever snow day! Man, was she excited! She loves preschool, so I was actually surprised she wasn't disappointed that school was cancelled today.

Right. It's springtime in Denver, so of course we're getting our first significant snowstorm of the year. They are forcasting blizzard conditions until 6 am tomorrow morning with 12-16 inches of snow possible where we live. 30-45 mph winds. All I can say is thank GOD for snowblowers!!

You know who loves snow days more than your child? Right, their teacher. I did the majority of my teaching in Kansas and Missouri. We had snow days every year, it was a given. I cherished my snow days. A free day off, are you kidding me!!! Snow days aren't as common in Denver where we live. It just about takes a blizzard to get a snow day here. And while we need the moisture desperately, I have to say I'm still disappointed. I'm worried about my trees that were just starting to get their buds. I'm just one of those people who likes the appropriate weather to go with the corresponding season. Plus this is so much snow and such adverse conditions, we can't really go outside and play in it! So now we're stuck inside for two days!
Good times!!!

A little obsessed??

Do ya think? I can not get my fill of everything "Twilight"! The movie, the music, the books, everything. I returned home from an awesome moms-night-out on Sat. just a bit too wound up to go to bed. Guess what was airing on PPV? Right, "Twilight". Of course I recorded it(man I love DVR)and I've watched it every day since!! I can't get enough of my Edward. He's so in love with his Bella. The way he looks at her. The things he says to her, like when he says "You don't know how long I've waited for you". I still get chills every time!! At first I wasn't sure Robert Pattinson was my Edward, but the more I watch the movie, the more I realize he was perfectly cast. How could you not LOVE this movie?? When my peeps and I saw it the first time, not everyone loved it. All I can say is watch it again, you'll change your mind!! Of course there'd be no movie without the books. The "Twilight" series are in my top 10 of all-time favorite books. I just ordered them from Amazon because I'm ready to read them again. I NEVER reread books!! After I read them the first time, I was literally depressed that I was finished. I missed my vampires so much!! I just wanted it to go on forever. Oh, Stephenie Meyer, if you're reading this, PLEASE write a fifth book! I'm begging you! There's gotta be something wrong with me-doesn't seem normal for a 39 year old housewife to be this obsessed with teenage vampires in love!!! Really! Is there a support group I can join, a 12-step program somewhere?!! The countdown on my blog says 240 days until "New Moon" comes out, that just seems like an eternity! Oh, Heaven help me!!

I'm SO fricking COOL!!!

Are you enjoying the music??? Are you impressed that I even have music??? You should be-I,Shelly Rajewich, figured out how to add the playlist without any help!! This is HUGE!!! No one was standing by my side telling me to breathe and count to ten, I figured this out on my own!! I didn't even break out in hives!! (To be fair-Tera got me started via the phone and Katie showed me where to cut & paste yesterday, but no one was physically sitting next to me telling me what to do step by step) You have no idea how afraid of technology I am. How much I admire people who do computer stuff for a living, they can actually support their families. It amazes me! I'm so computer-phobic it's not funny. I love this computer, believe me, it's like an appendage now. But seriously, when it comes to computer knowledge, I'm in the bottom 10%. This blog has become a part of my daily life and now I can listen to my favorite songs at the same time. It just doesn't get any better than this! I am on such a high! Seriously, it's Hammer Time and YOU CAN'T TOUCH THIS!!! Who knows where this might lead, I may even get the I-Pod out of the box and figure it out too!

I'd like to register a formal complaint

What is it with men when they're sick? We all have colds, but you'd think Mike had the Plague! Honest to GOD the man hasn't moved a muscle all day! How is it when Mike's sick, he can afford to sit on his ___ all day or lay in bed watching t.v., but when I'm sick my daily responsibilities must resume as normal? It doesn't matter if it's a cold or the flu, I still manage to make 3 meals & snacks, do at least 2 loads of laundry, bathe my daughter, read to her, play with her, pay the bills, etc... All of it, I might add, without one sympathetic comment from my spouse. However, when he's sick, you'd think the whole world stopped spinning!! There's moaning and groaning, and whimpering, and "do you think I have a fever?". Blah, blah, blah!!! He wants me to say, "oh you poor baby!" PALEEZE!!! The man's 56, for goodness sake! My 4 year old has been coughing and sniffling all day and not once has she complained. Not once. Oh thank GOD tomorrow's a work day, I can't wait to shove his sniffling ____ out the door!

Cheap Therapy

I LOVE this blog! I really do. I was never any good at journaling, but I love typing my thoughts and feelings, editing as I go. I keep a list by the computer of topics I want to talk about. I'm doing this for myself and Katelyn, but it is nice to get feedback. Thank you, Tera, for always commenting on every post-I feel so connected to you. And thanks to everyone else who has posted a comment. I think sharing our blogs is one of the reasons why I like blogging so much. It feels good to connect and relate to other women, friends, mothers, wives. Finding out things you may not have known about someone. Sharing memories, problems, joys & sorrows, and hopefully a good laugh too. This blog has become a part of my daily ritual as much as taking care of my daughter, doing the laundry, unloading the dishwasher, making dinner, feeding the cat. Every day presents itself with new topics I want to blog about. I love that someday my daughter will read this and realize her mother was a real person with feelings and opinions, hopes, dreams, and disappointments. Hopefully she'll read something I write that she can relate to. That she will be encouraged to open up to me, to know that she can trust me. That I'm safe. That I love her unconditionally. I may not always agree with her choices, but she can tell me anything and together we will work out a solution. I didn't always have that growing up, but I am determined that she will. It justs feels so good to express my thoughts. I don't need to pay a therapist to sit and nod and say, "Uh-huh, uh-huh, and how did that make you feel?" (Not that I'm bucking therapy, I've had my share.) Blogging is such a stress-reliever! I just get it all out, whatever "it" is and then I move on. Cheap therapy!

Rest in Peace

I have been so affected by the actress Natasha Richardson's sudden passing. Her death & the way she died came as such a shock. I think it hit home the fact that we don't really know when our time is going to be up. My heart aches for her family, especially her teenage sons and her husband. A month ago I had a health scare and had to have some tests. Even though the chances were good that I would be fine, I was terrified at the thought of leaving my daughter. She's only 4 1/2, she needs her momma. I remember praying to GOD(pleading really)and assuring him that he didn't want me. I would not come willingly. I could NOT leave my little girl. Did those thoughts go through Natasha's mind when she realized that something was really wrong? I pray that she slipped into an unconscious state before that terror could set in.

Natasha was only 45, way too young. That is also haunting me. I imagine her husband feels robbed, they seemed so in love. I think back to Princess Diana's untimely death as she also left two young sons. I pray Natasha's sons will find comfort in their memories. I weep for Natasha's mother, no one wants to outlive their children. It's not supposed to happen that way. I think dealing with death is very hard whatever the circumstances. But when the death comes as a complete shock, it's different. The grieving process is different. If you've experienced losing a loved one that way you know what I mean. When I was 18 my paternal grandmother committed suicide the day before Thanksgiving. No one in our family had any idea that Grandma wasn't well. We were expecting her to arrive for the holiday with homemade pies. Instead a state trooper showed up at my Aunt's door, and asked if we could identify the woman in the driver's license he was holding. My dad and my aunt then had to go to the morgue and identify her body. Grandma jumped from a bridge into the Mississippi River and drowned. She was 64. It was the hardest funeral I've ever attended. I still miss you grandma.

I pray for peace for Natasha's family and for all the families grieving the loss of a loved one tonight. When I say my prayers tonight I will be sure to thank GOD for another day with my loved ones. And I will try to remember to cherish each new day I'm given.

WELCOME SPRING!!

Tomorrow is the first day of spring, and while fall is by far my favorite season, spring is definitely a close 2nd. We have the most beautiful tree in our front yard, a flowering crabapple, I think. Little green buds are appearing all over that tree now, and in about another week we'll have beautiful white blossoms. I just pray we don't get another early spring snowstorm like last year, so we can enjoy that tree for a long time! I can tell Mike is gearing up to begin yardwork. Every year he is determined to have the greenest grass in the neighborhood. He's obsessed, really. But we all have our little issues, now don't we?!! For me it's list-making and vacumm lines!HA! Each year we try to add more flowers, bushes, and trees. I wonder what Mike is planning to add this year? Katelyn loves to plant flowers with her dad, it's become an annual tradition for them. Plus, I love being able to send her outside with him on Saturdays to help him with the yardwork. Then I get to do my housework in peace!

It's going to be 74 degrees here tomorrow, so of course Katelyn and I are heading to the zoo! Shelbey and Sean are going to meet us there. Katelyn has missed them since they moved out. I think Katelyn views Sean like a baby brother, she doesn't understand that Sean is technically her nephew. We haven't even gone there!!! I'm anxious to see the little guy too, it's fun to have a baby in the family again. Mike bought me a special cable and gave me a lesson on the digital camera, so it's my intent to post a picture from our zoo trip. We'll see! ig!

There's so much to love about spring, but especially the weather! We spend a lot more time outside in the spring. I love to sit on our back patio while Katelyn plays on her playcenter. We have the most beautiful view of the mountains from our backyard-talk about counting your blessings!! And while I love the sunny days, I love the rainy ones just as much, perfect reading weather!! Plus the rain makes everything green and colorful again. I'm tired of the bare winter landscape!

The birds are gearing up for spring too. We have a Meadowlark building a nest on our roof and I love to listen to her sing every morning while I'm getting ready. Katelyn does too. She'll say, "there goes that Meadowlark again!" I have to say while I welcome the birds, I don't enjoy listening to the coyotes that are prowling in the early morning hours again, they are so loud! And GOD help me, but I hate the snakes and the mice!!! But like everything else, I'll take a little bad with a lot of good!!

Other things I look forward to in the spring:

-SPRING CLEANING! I can't wait to get my windows washed and my carpets cleaned!
-GRILLING! Time to fire that puppy up and have some steaks and brats!!
-VACATION! Disney World here we come!!
-OUTDOOR FUN! More time at the parks, swimming, t-ball, walks, biking, mountains, etc....
-COMMUNITY EVENTS! Progressive supper and garage sale(I'll be ready this year!)
-FRIENDS! More time to get together and let the kids play!
-EASTER and Easter activities!
-MOTHER'S DAY!-I'm just so grateful to be a mommy!
-OPENED WINDOWS! I love the fresh air!!!

WELCOME SPRING!!

A "rhymes with ditch" session

Let me preface this blog by saying I am NOT PMSing. Yesterday Katie and I made our weekly trek to Target. It's almost gotten to the point where I hate to go shopping because of the rude people I encounter. I know, I should be able to suck it up and brush it off, but I'm tired of doing that. And the older I get, the more apt I am to tell someone just exactly what I think of their behavior. Doesn't anyone say "excuse me" anymore? When someone else jams into your cart, is it really that difficult to say even an "oops"!!! Apparently so. Yesterday, the person who rammed into me gave ME a "huhrumph"! To her I replied, "excuse you"!! She didn't like that much. Too bad!!

I have to be careful when I get to the check-out that I get one of the pleasant associates(and yes I'm at Target so often, I know who the nice ones are)Reason being, I bring my own canvas bags. It's not because it's the trendy thing to do, it's because it's the right thing to do. (Ecobags.com has large, strong, and washable canvas bags, very reasonably priced) If I don't get one of the "nice" associates, inevitably I'm going to be given a hard time. Even if I offer to pack the bags myself!!!! I guess it's just so much harder for them to use my bags instead of their plastic ones. I don't really know what the big deal is, but it pisses me off!! I mean they got my $200, they should be falling over themselves to thank me for my business!!

Not to mention that the guy behind me in line is ticked because he's had to wait with his 2 items, while I purchase a whole cart full of stuff. AND he's giving ME the dirty looks! Is it my fault that they don't open up one of the express lanes?!! And besides, I was here first, jerk. I had to wait my turn. Remember kindergarten, pal, I think we were supposed to learn that little lesson back then!!

O.K. so now we're out in the parking lot, car's loaded, child is safely secured. I am almost backed out of my parking space when some idiot decides to fly past behind me. I have to SLAM on my brakes! WHAT?? Are you kidding me? I thought it was universally known that when someone is already pulling out of a parking space, you let them continue and finish. You know what, without even thinking, I flipped 'em the bird! Thank GOD Katelyn didn't see me! Wouldn't want to have to explain that one to her.

So now we're on the entrance ramp to the highway, getting ready to merge. I notice a white mini-van in the next lane who has obviously made it her mission in life to not let anyone merge in. Well, not today sista!! I'm watching her in my left outside mirror scowl at me for trying to merge onto the highway. Instead of braking, and letting her fly on past, I put my foot full force on the accelerator (6 rpm's and no Mike would not be pleased!!!) I make it in front of her no problem! Score one for the little people!! At least I learned my lesson and didn't flip her off too!

You know my shopping experience yesterday is really about a larger issue. And that's the fact that some people have forgotten their manners. You know common courtesy. When did that go out of style? Please, thank you, excuse me: those are good things to remember. Mike and I stress good manners with Katelyn at all times. It seems to be working, she is very polite, and we are proud of her. I don't really have a solution for this issue, but I sure feel better now that I got that all out! Thanks for listening blogger!

Friends are the family we choose for ourselves

I have been so blessed by wonderful friendships. I don't come from a large family, nor a particularily close one. But I have friends who are more like my sisters than anything else. The main reason I decided to start a blog was so I could leave a legacy for my daughter. I want her to read these posts some day and have an insight into her mother's life and her own childhhood. I never intended for Katelyn to be an only child, but that appears to be GOD's plan. Therefore, I will endeavor to pass on the importance of friendship to her. If I can help it, she will never know loneliness, even after I'm gone, because she will have friendships that will last a lifetime. Like I do.

Someday Katelyn will realize that her "aunts" aren't really aunts at all. They are her mother's best friends. They are my family and hers. I met Jennifer in grad school about 18 years ago. Jen and I have shared so much: grad school & teaching, infertility and finally the ultimate joy of having a baby, marriage stuff, family issues, you name it. I love spending time with her, we really are just like twins. Even though we live 9 hours apart, we still talk by phone at least twice a month if not more. We can read each other's minds, and finish each other's sentences. Not all friendships stand the test of time, but I know Jen and I will grow old together.

I met Paula 20 years ago. She was pregnant with her first son and I was engaged to someone else, and had just started community college. Paula could tell you some stories about me. We still laugh over the stuff we did!! I wouldn't trade those memories for anything. It doesn't matter how much time goes by between visits, we just pick right up where we left off. We call each other "sis" and we mean it.

I met Ann and Kathy my first year of teaching in 1993. I am still as close to them as I was back then. Ann and I had a great time together before she moved. She was my hard rock buddy, we stood in line in the rain for hours for Metallica tickets. Kathy and I talked on the phone almost every day that we taught together. We would write pretend IEPs for the other staff members we didn't care for. We had so much fun! So much has happened in our lives since 1993, but we stay in touch and we share our lives as they are today. That's the beauty of friendship.

I met Anna through PEO about 10 years ago after moving to CO. You know how when you meet someone and you just know instantly that you'll be the best of friends? That's how it was with us. Anna knows everything about me(and I mean EVERYTHING). She is my rock. We have been through so much together these past 10 years, I honestly don't know what I would have done without her. I also know I don't have to worry about that, we're stuck like glue!

I'm grateful for all my friends, not just my BFFs. I keep in touch with a friend from the 5th grade and another from my wild teenage Nebr. summer visits. I've made new friends with my neighborhood peeps, and a couple of the other moms from Katelyn's school. All my friendships are important to me. And I truly believe you can never have too many friends. Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.