To whom it may concern...

To whom it may concern at AMC theaters:

A couple weeks ago a few friends and myself decided to take in the new Julia Roberts flick at one of your theaters. Aside from the fact that the movie sucked (unusual for Julia, I know), I would like to make a suggestion concerning the "preview" portion before the start of a movie. During the previews, you warn your patrons against cell phone usuage, crying babies, and loud talking. But you have forgotten to include the following: passing gas, nail biting & chewing, overall body odor, and nose picking. I fell victim to all of the above during my last movie-going experience, and it seriously hindered my ability to concentrate on what was already the most confusing movie I've been to in a long time(not your fault, I realize). The person(I can hardly say gentleman in this case)continuously engaged in all four of these disgusting behaviors. Perhaps if you had warned him before the movie started, he would have refrained, but alas we'll never know.

It started with the expelling of bodily fumage(aka-farting). Not being one unlikely to share interesting events with friends, I had to share this news with my friend Tera who happened to be sitting on the other side of me. Now even though we are adult women in our thirties, we could not help but break out in riotous laughter. What would you do? We tried to control ourselves, but it was not possible as we were already bored and confused and o.k. perhaps a bit immature, but there you have it. Needless to say another patron seated in front of us was less than thrilled by our outburst. At least we didn't pee our pants, but it was close! Besides, you also don't disallow laughter in your preview warning, so we were well within our rights to laugh as much as we wanted!!!

Next the beast,(I mean person, precious child of our LORD), proceeded to make a feast out of his nose and fingernails. At this point I was so grossed out I was practically sitting on Tera's lap. Can you blame me? It's not like there's a lot of room between seats to begin with. Again, as not to exclude my friends from this experience either, I whisper(whispher, mind you) to Tera that I can't believe the guy could be on a date and be doing these disgusting vile things. Tera leans around me to view the fore-mentioned individual and discovers that he is wearing a ring on his left ring finger. Married. Of course, it all makes sense now!! He doesn't have to impress anyone with good habits, nor does he have to worry if he smells good. He's already bagged himself a little woman! Which brings me to a very important point: I think you should be aware that Saturday night is not just for couples anymore. There is a certain percentage of us (I leave the data collecting up to you)that are partaking in a Moms-Night-Out. Simply put it means we're at the movies to get away from "pull my finger" and the rest. (Although I feel compelled to add that my spouse does not engage in the other 3 vile behaviors).

I am not in the marketing field myself, but I bet if you add my suggestion to your preview warning and then remind people about the tasty treats awaiting them at your consession stands, they will be less likely to snack on themselves! Your profits could soar! What do you think? Not a bad idea! I'll be expecting a little kick-back when you implement MY suggestion! My sincere gratitude for your time and attention to this matter. And my endearing thanks to my peep Tera who I always have a good time with, no matter the circumstances!