After 5 years of trying to have a baby, Mike and I were blessed with our baby girl on July 29, 2004. We were absolutely overjoyed. Nothing before or since can or ever will equal the joy that little baby has brought into our lives. What I wasn't prepared for was the fear that comes with parenthood. Coming down from the pregnancy hormones, I remember crying to Anna and telling her how scared I was that something would happen to Katelyn. In particular, I was consumed with worry over SIDS. I have never forgotten what Anna told me: "you are never going to be "safe" again, and for the rest of your life you will wear your heart on your sleeve." Meaning my heart is now raw and vulnerable and whatever happens in the course of Katelyn's life, will affect me and have the potential to shatter my heart. As a mother of her own grown son, she knew what she was talking about.
Of course I eventually stopped worrying about SIDS after Katelyn turned 1, but there was always something else. When she got mobile, we put up gates and stuck plastic things in outlets, we put poisons in a locked cabinet, we were constantly surveying, looking for potential dangers. When Katelyn turned 4, we were finally able to talk to her about the danger of poisons, or to take care on the stairs(& I still hold my breath every time she runs up and down them). I make sure she looks both ways when she crosses the street, I tell her not to talk to strangers & have to explain what a stranger is, I make her wear her bike helmet, I research car seats to try and find the safest one. It's constant. I'm always reminding her of something related to her safety. It can be exhausting. But I do it in an effort to prevent the unthinkable. Because when you become a parent you not only get the purest joy, you get unparalled fear. Fear that something bad could happen to your precious child.
And it' not just the fear of something bad happening either. When Katelyn hurts, I hurt. If another child hurts her feelings, my feelings are hurt too. I'll ask her who she played with at school, and she'll say a few names and then she'll say,"but not "Billy" because he doesn't like me". And I'm like WHAT, the little creep, how can he not like my little girl, she's perfect after all. Of course I tell her to just stay away from him, that it's his loss. But I can still see the hurt in her eyes & it breaks my heart. Right, there's my heart on my sleeve again. Raw. And what's worse is knowing that she'll be facing that kind of sadness for a long time to come, especially in upper elem. and middle school. Teenage girls can be so cruel to each other. And she's only 4, there are so many rights of passage yet to come.
Life is so uncertain. Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball, so I could see that she'll be happy, that she'll marry a really nice guy, that she'll have lots of babies if she wants to, that HER dreams will come true. But, I don't have a crystal ball, so that's where I think my faith gives me some peace of mind. I put my trust in GOD and I pray that, with HIS guidance, I prepare Katelyn well enough for the challenges that lie ahead. I feel so incredibly blessed that GOD chose to give me such a precious gift. And I accept that along with the joys of parenthood comes the fear, and that for the rest of my life I will wear my heart on my sleeve.
I love you Katelyn. You ARE my heart.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
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2 comments:
It is so true, Shelly! Even when they are driving you crazy, those kids have a hold of your heart. I find I want to protect them from every evil, or sad thing out there, but also feel the responsibility as a parent to teach them how to solve their own problems. It is all a balance.
Oh Shelly! It's so hard isn't it? It's crazy how much offense I can take to another child that hurts one of my children. I take it very personally and it is so hard not to over react. I'll even do this between my own children. If one of them hurts (feelings or physically) another of my children, I take it very personally. I've been known to say, "she/he is my baby, you have no right to ..." Parenting is the hardest job, isn't it! And they do hold our hearts in the palm of their hands!
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